I really didn’t think anyone was going to be so unable to detect satire.  The Colbert Report still rides strong—I thought this was way more over the top.  The first argument was that they had dogs for goodness sake.  They drank beer. Seriously, that’s some serious flashing lights.  There’s a good chance you’re Hitler.  This was Reductio ad Hitlerum at its finest.  I, myself, am Turbo-Double-Hitler just in that last paragraph.

To try to make it obvious I tried to scare off the homophobes, assuming that would scare off some of the ignorant masses.  Apparently that wasn’t enough.

Then I moved on to straight up siting Godwin’s Law.  For a little background:

Godwin’s Law (also known as Godwin’s Rule of Nazi Analogies)^[1] is a humorous observation coined by Mike Godwin in 1990, and which has become an Internet adage. It states: “As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1.”

Seriously.  It can’t get any more clear than that.

But I kept getting emails.  When I got one from a DOCTOR not understanding the joke I gave up on humanity.  Eight years of college.

That’s it.  I personally thought this was really, really funny.  Others did as well—I’m very flattered by being mentioned in Gawker, popular on Twitter, voted high on Reddit, mentioned in PLAYBOY and SomethingAwful and even by Comedy Central.  I got inqueries from all around the world who completely missed the joke.  Therefore I’m spelling it out for you.

If you think anyone can “literally” be anyone else you are likely a certifiable moron. This isn’t ignorance, this is a lack in the fundamentals that lead to understanding the world around one’s self.  This doesn’t require the leap in logic to realize “stove is hot,” this is “stove is stove.”

If you think Barack Obama, a man who has commited exactly zero genocides, is “literally like Hitler,” who in case you haven’t heard, killed six million Jews and a plethora of other minority groups, you are officially ignorant.  This would mean you understand the statement far enough to analyze it.  You are found competent enough to be judged ignorant.  You are child who knows “stove is hot” and licks it, then savors a delicious gluestick as dessert.

If you think know anyone who is alive and as evil as Hitler I don’t understand why you’re on your computer—you should be stopping millions of deaths or fleeing. Get off of the internet.  Find a cave or plea to the United Nations.  The man has nukes for goodness sake. Do you know how bad Hitler wanted nukes to drop on NYC?

I’ve gotten two sorts of emails—those who call me “crazy” or “mentally unstable” (they usually use the latter) or those finding it humorous.  Never once have I received an email not realizing this—though someone told me people were using this on Facebook as “evidence.”  Google Analytics tells me this could be so (at least starting post-work Tuesday when I installed them)—and those who emailed me not understanding the joke made me realize that perhaps, in some amazingly corners which I was blissfully unaware of, someone was using this as a textbook.

If you are reading this as a serious work please, for the love of humanity, please read a book.  There are many fantastic satires out there.  If you can’t read, watch one of the films from the Scary Movie series—not only is it satire but it is also Clockwork Orange-esque punishment for being such an ignorant jerk.

By the way, I voted Red and Blue all over my last ballot.  For those of you on the Blue end of the spectrum, Bush wasn’t Hitler either.  Sarah Palin, for all of her negative qualities, also isn’t Hitler—literally nor metaphorically.  She has a bunch of kids, proving a lack of the proper equipment.

They can’t be, after all.  Everyone knows that Puppies are Hitler.